Tag: Compassion

Empathy (Day 26)

Empathy is the antidote to shame and it is the heart of connection. Brené Brown

“Today was a Difficult Day,” said Pooh. There was a pause.

“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Piglet.

“No,” said Pooh after a bit. “No, I don’t think I do.”

“That’s okay,” said Piglet, and he came and sat beside his friend.

“What are you doing?” asked Pooh.

“Nothing, really,” said Piglet. “Only, I know what Difficult Days are like. I quite often don’t feel like talking about it on my Difficult Days either.

And as Pooh sat there, working through in his head his Difficult Day, while the solid, reliable Piglet sat next to him quietly, swinging his little legs…he thought that his best friend had never been more right.

I am taking a break from the Bible today, because the topic is Empathy, and Piglet’s got this one.

In Rising Strong, Dr. Brené Brown makes the claim that empathy is the antidote to shame. Her claim is based on research data, and I find it immensely helpful. I hope you linger over Chapter 7. Her definition of Empathy and its relationship to Compassion is worth the price of admission:

Empathy is an emotional skill that allows us to respond to others in a meaningful, caring way. Empathy is the ability to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding… The prerequisite for real empathy is compassion. We can only respond empathically if we are willing to be present to someone’s pain. Empathy is the antidote to shame and it is the heart of connection.

Starter Prayer

LORD God, teach me the Wisdom of Empathy.

Reading Focus for Rising Strong, by Brené Brown

We are in week 4, of this 6-week study. The focus is Chapters 7-8 of Rising Strong. The topics are: Rumbling with difficult emotions and human need. Next week our discussion groups will focus on chapters 8-9.

You Are Not Alone (Day 15)

Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgement, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone’. Brené Brown

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. The Apostle Paul (Philippians 2:5-7)

I staggered into the hotel coffee shop at 6am, unsure of how I would face another day or another person. I had been so excited about leading this two-day conference. Attendance had double from the previous year. Likeminded people were coming together to learn and grow. But the previous day had been a logistical train wreck. Equipment failed, tech bombed, a musician was sick and the speaker ran way over time.

I hadn’t slept all night, and there was my ‘boss’ right in front of me at the espresso bar. She said hello, and I said: I’m sorry; that was a disaster. She didn’t say, “no worries.” She didn’t say, “I hope today goes better.”

Instead she said, “Things like this happen. When they happen to me I feel awful. Every leader has been where you are now, facing a big day after a hard day. We’re in this together, and you’re not alone.”

I had never heard such comforting words. My colleague didn’t give me advice, didn’t judge my performance, didn’t feel sorry for me or herself. She convinced me that she understood what I was experiencing and feeling and that she would not turn away.

Our conversation changed my perspective then and now. Prior to this healing, I had no category for the transformative power of empathy. I thought that leadership and parenting are a lot about helping people grow. But I’d never considered sitting next to someone as a means of helping them grow in wisdom. I’d had many compassionate moments with hurting people, but I didn’t realize that with empathy, the medium IS the message. I didn’t realize that empathy is a powerful tool of compassion that helps people rise.

Jesus was compassionate and empathetic. Compassionate: He recognized the light and dark in our shared humanity and he was kind to himself and others in the face of great suffering. Empathetic: He had the emotional skill to respond to others with genuine understanding and caring. He didn’t feel our emotions for us, but he felt our pain with us. Jesus stuck with us to the bitter end, never leaving or forsaking.

When we see another person suffering, we can walk away, we can feel sorry for them and express sympathy from a place of separatness , or we can be like Doreen and Jesus. We can say: As a fellow human being, I understand how you feel; and you are not alone.

Starter Prayer

LORD God, help me to empty myself of the tools of judgment, comparison and sympathy. Fill me with true compassion, and teach me the skill of empathy.

Reading Focus for Rising Strong, by Brené Brown

We are beginning week three, of this 6-week study. The focus is Chapters 5-6 of Rising Strong. The topics are: The Rumble, and learning to live BIG (boundaries, integrity and generosity).

Compassion (Day 12)

I’ve met and interviewed people who not only have spent time facedown in the arena, but also were brave enough to open their eyes to the suffering of others lying there with them. Brené Brown

If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. The Apostle Paul, Philippians 2:1-2

There is an old religious joke that says if you have two rabbis, priests or pastors you’ve probably got three opinions. The joke works for republicans and democrats too. (Picture the presidential election debates where 12 party rivals are arguing on stage at once.)

In real life, there are theological differences, political resentments and radically differing ideologies in religion and politics. While I doubt that we can change that any times soon, I have great faith that you and I can develop the eyes and heart of compassion to treat people with love and care.

I’ve been at a big dinner of ‘dignitaries’ where the person saying grace reminded us: “Remember, the most interesting person in the room is the person sitting next to you.” I need these reminders day by day, moment by moment.

So, how is it possible to live the way Paul envisions– thinking, loving and regarding everyone’s opinions as better than one’s own? Or how do we have compassion for others when we ourselves are face down in the arena?

Simple thought: The habit of compassion (skill of empathy) is a miracle of grace and transformation, and the rising strong process sure helps!

I’ll leave us to meditate on the words of American Buddihist nun Pema Chödrön as quoted in Rising Strong:

When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us….In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience—our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

Starter Prayer

God of Compassion, help me to see my suffering neighbor as an equal. When I see my neighbor’s pain, help me to recognize my own wounds and long for my own healing.

Reading Focus for Rising Strong, by Brené Brown

We are well into week two, and heading into week three, of this 6-week study. The focus is Chapters 3-5 of Rising Strong. The topics are: Owning our stories, reckoning with emotion, the rumble and Living BIG.